What Tantrums Really Mean and How to Respond with Calm (The Singapore Parent's Guide)

Chiarina Mapa
Jul 8
3 min read

Updated: Jul 22

When a child breaks down in tears at NTUC, or screams through a dinner at grandma’s house, it can feel like the world is judging you. But here’s the truth: tantrums aren’t signs of bad parenting or misbehaving children. They are signals. Signals that something inside your child is too big for them to handle on their own.

In Singapore's fast-paced, high-achieving culture, many parents feel the pressure to keep their children calm, composed, and on-track. But emotional development isn't linear, and tantrums are part of a healthy, growing brain.

Inspired by the work of child development experts like Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, and Alyssa Blask Campbell, this article unpacks the hidden language of tantrums and how we parents can respond with calm, connection, and confidence.

Tantrums are a Whole-Brain Storm

Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson, co-authors of The Whole-Brain Child, describe tantrums as moments when the brain’s emotional centre (the amygdala) hijacks its reasoning centre (the prefrontal cortex). Your child isn't trying to manipulate you—they're literally neurologically overwhelmed.

Alyssa Blask Campbell, founder of the Collaborative Emotion Processing method, reminds us that children aren't born with the tools to regulate themselves. They borrow our calm until they can create their own.

This is especially important in a society like ours, where "face" and discipline are highly valued. But responding to a tantrum with punishment or shame can teach children to suppress, rather than understand, their emotions.

What Tantrums Are Really Saying

Here are a few translations of the most common tantrum cries in Singaporean homes:

"I want that toy!" could mean: "I’m struggling with impulse control. Help me wait."
"No school!" might mean: "I’m anxious about what's ahead. Reassure me."
"I hate you!" may really be: "I'm overwhelmed and don’t know how to ask for help."

Just like adults, children need safe spaces to vent, cry, and reset. We don't need to fix the feeling, we need to make it safe to feel.

How to Respond with Calm (Even When You’re Tired)

In our society us parents often juggle full-time jobs, caregiving duties for elderly parents, and school excellence pressures. It's no wonder our patience runs thin.

But here's the good news: responding with calm doesn't require perfection. Just presence.

Pause before you react. Take a breath. Your nervous system sets the tone for theirs.
Get low and make eye contact. This physically signals, "I'm with you, not against you."
Name the emotion. Try: "You seem really frustrated. That toy is important to you."
Hold the boundary, with empathy. "I won’t buy the toy today. But I know it’s hard to hear no."

When we validate emotions, but hold firm limits, we teach both emotional literacy and self-regulation.

Let Calm Be Contagious

Children learn best through co-regulation. The more you model calm, the more their brains learn to access it independently.

Instead of asking, "How do I stop the tantrum?" ask, "What is this tantrum teaching us both?"

Over time, you'll find fewer meltdowns, and more connection. More understanding. And more confidence as a parent.

Final Word for Singaporean Parents

In our culture that values excellence and discipline, it's easy to forget that emotional strength starts with emotional safety. Tantrums are not interruptions to learning, they are the learning.

So the next time your child breaks down at Kopitiam, take a breath. Remember: you are their safe place. And calm isn’t something you demand, it's something you lead with.

About the writer:

Chiarina Mapa is a mum of two little boys under the age of two, navigating the beautiful chaos of early motherhood in Singapore, where she’s lived for the past eight years. When she’s not chasing a toddler or nursing an infant, she writes about family life, personal growth, and finding meaning in the everyday moments.